ongoing life crisis

i am 20 and currently having an ongoing life crisis

but first,

Dear God, i swear to You

i am so thankful with everything  i have,

so thankful for everything that You gave to me.

please don't take it away... 


all i want in life, is i could feel things,

 and being alive & living


2019 was the year of breakdown and breakthrough

i felt things.

i can't stop smiling because it happened, and it was real.

my 18, season 1 eps 3-5 might be shitty as fuck

but everything is just a phase and that's a fact

just a little patience and keep being kind to people, good things will automatically come to you with no hesitation. 

probably as the answer of my prayers;

my 18, season 2 eps 3-5. was one of the best phase of my life.

i felt everything.

i felt myself. 

can't stop thinking about this phase and can't stop saying 'Thank you God for letting me being in this position....'

...i'm sobbing.


but then,

2020 was the year of breakdown

everything's on fire. i am on fire. a lonely-sad fire.

i was so alone with a lot of things inside my head, don't know with who i would like to share with.

what if i'm... what if he... what if they.... 

never ending insecurities 

also i lost my grandma, and i lost so many friends and break so many bonds

i am so sad and i felt so weak. can't see what the future holds

even though before that i can't see it either.

but i wasn't this serious..

2020 was shitty and i'm pretty sure everyone agrees.

but somehow i'm still alive, i told myself 'i can't live like this !'

i didn't feel things.


so then... 

i decide to make 2021 as my year of breakthrough.

welcoming another year...

i gotta stand up on my feed

making money, making friends and relations

being closer with my family. 

mami, papi, adikku sayang.

welcoming new achievements, learn and try a lot of new things. 

making my parents proud

ahhhhh i want to feel things again

eventhough #dirumahaja i have to still be productive!

being the best version of me

workout, fasting, read quran, learn to cook, gaining knowledge through YouTube

meditation, reading  books, taking classes seriously, making crafts, having good grades.

woke up early, go to bed earlier, clean my room, and keeping it clean too.

i wanna make EVERY DAY is my BEST DAY.

so easy to write it down. now tell me honey, have u started?

.

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